Sunday, October 23, 2005

I'm Your Mint Daddy

A new wave of addiction is spreding through Tokyo like a wildfire. Particularly widespread among workers in the service sector, this plague is threatening to reach disastrous proportions, unless something is done soon. Yet, governments continue to turn a blind eye. The addictive substance remains legal, widely available, and highly affordable. Meanwhile, I see more and more people around me who are plunged into a life of addiction, an inability to consume water, and ever-present fresh breath. Yes, I am talking about mints. Small, round, white tablets sold in plastic boxes at the negligeable price of a couple of hundred yen.

All around my office I see people shaking their plastic boxes to get their fix. Sometimes an addict will run out of pills, in which case he or she needs to go look for the mint daddy. As this is still a rather new phenomenon, there do not seem to be a regular mint daddy. Instead, the addicts seem to take turns to act as mint daddys. The mint daddy is always ready to provide the addict with a quick fix, but will at a later stage ask for the favour to be returned, with interest. Thus, those who ghave approached the mint-daddy, will henceforth live in constant fear of the mint daddy coming to get his payment. At present, the affordability of mints is limiting the problems caused by the mint-daddys. Only the truly desperate ever need to approach a mint-daddy.

The producers of mint are pushing their products in every convenience store in Tokyo, and their are many. The initial culprit is Frisk, a Belgian cartell, whose somewhat upmarket mints are the cocaine of the mint-world. The flavors are subtle and discreetly named - eucalyptus, peppermint, spearmint etc. Following the immediate success of Frisk, local manufacturers were not slow to catch on. Decidedly more plebeian Mintia offers a cruder fix for the less discerning. At half the price of Frisk, Mintia offers a more imaginative range of mints - Wild & Cool, Berry Mint, and - the crack heroin of mints - Dry Hard. The users of Dry Hard have sunken the furthest into mint-hell. You can recognize the unfortunate by their artificially fresh breath and a complete inability to drink water (due to the strength of Dry Hard, users are unable to drink water as it hurts their throats too much).

Having seen mint addiction up close, I hereby urge the government to take immdiate action, in order to curb mint addiction. I propose immediate criminalization and that all mints currently on sale be confiscated. Furthermore, thousands upon thousands of mint addicts will need assistance in order to return to a normal life. I recommend that each city assist in the creation of local MUA chapters (Mint Users Anonymous). Only through these measures, can we remove mints from the streets and save our young.

And, as a Mint Daddy, I look forward to rising prices and the prospect of using mints to lure people into becoming addicted to more lucrative substances.

Criminalize Now!

J. Mint
President
Tokyo Mint Daddy Association

3 Comments:

Blogger wdf said...

haha... Never thought of it like that, but I definitely can't last too long without em. I was a dry hard addict while living in Tokyo. Now i'm in Canada having to rely on the last few packs I brought home. Soon I will have to fall back on overpriced frisks, or see if I can get the Japanese konbini in Vancouver to order me some. They already have the tamer mintia like mango and berry flavors, but I need that extra caffeine jolt in Dry Hard. I don't even want to think about trying to kick...

9:10 PM  
Blogger Prasoon Joshi said...

Its been quite a while that I've been taking mints to get along with my days in office now. I was wondering if I'm really an addict ;)
I heard it causes impotency too ... (wink wink)

8:46 PM  
Blogger Vic said...

smints are the reason for living. other forms of mint may suffice, but smints are the penultimate mint. 'nuf said.

3:03 PM  

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